Am sorry Xilei.

I was reading my posts for e past half year & I came to realise that I made a terrible big mistake. I finally understand why u said u arent e girlfriend I want & e pain I inflicted on u when u read e posts. The way I wrote it, together with e unfortunate back to back grievances, made u thought that u were e one I was unhappy about.
Totally wrong, none of e unhappiness/grievance was about u at all. When I have an issue, I always voiced out & I wouldnt just write it here. In fact, I am happy with u all along. I know its hard for u to believe now & it isnt a case of trying to get u back. But letting u know that, u intepreted my posts wrongly & thought wrongly about this r/s. & if I dont explain these out, I will carry this regret for e rest of my life.

20th May 2009
Somehow, this incident made me realised something very important.
I felt very bad, very sorry for locking u outside & told myself, it wouldnt happen again. Because of this, I realised e importance of u in my heart. u are e something.

16th June 2009
Am almost enjoying everything I do, except for work( sometimes). Though I dont really consider this as a balance lifestyle yet, cos I still dont have much time for my family & xilei.
I have always put u as my priority along with my family & I always wanted to have more time with u..

12th July 2009
The perfect union. Makes one think why is it always so hard to make things perfect; without realising e imperfect self.

Being imperfect is e beauty of itself.
Hai.. u are e perfect union with me. Me, being e imperfect one. You, e perfect one. Am always trying to be a perfect boyfriend/husband to u.

29th July 2009
Sometimes I do wonder what can I really do other than what I am doing now? The next few years are e stepping stones for e next stage of my life, yet I can only see myself stepping right into thin air. Why e negative thoughts? Perhaps e past 2 weeks let me had a glipse of how screwed up things can be when one become too complacent. & it made me rethink my current options. Sad to say, I have none better.
This post was totally about work. My unhappiness with my current work & my future career.

4th August 2009
It seems to me that I didnt really make a choice that time. & after a serious talk, I realised that am not sure of what I want. Thinking back of e times when I was really alone in Jakarta, I fully understood e need of a someone to be there.
I was thinking about our relationship. Thinking about whether I need you for e sake of just having someone around or do I really love u? The next post explains e period why I was in deep thoughts about our relationship. I was taking e next big step & I was afraid to make a wrong one.

7th August 2009
But I arent bitter about it, just wondering about e question that I have been asking myself for e past few days.& I think am getting near to an answer soon.
I remember that those few days, u were quite worried. Cos I didnt talk much with u, everytime u asked whether anything wrong, I dont dare to tell u? Reason being; I couldnt have tell u e situation/e thoughts I was in, it would have given u uncall worries. & On this very night, e decision was actually decided, jieqi was around. I knew I love u & I wanted to move on to e next stage. & thats to spend my life.. with u.

10th August 2009
Neverending excuses? Am used to it. Though I always give e benefit of doubt, it never stops me from thinking otherwise.Passed another year of mine, finally 24. Totally exhausted, but still, I would like to thank everyone who had made e slightest effort to wish me a happy birthday. & also to those who shelf their time to celebrate my birthday too, deeply appreciate it:)I havent wish what I want to wish for. Cos I really dont know what I really want.
I think this is where e main trouble started right? It was about work, fang's attitude towards it. & I really dont know what to wish for, cos simply I dont know what I want. & I already got u, that is good enough :) Glad u were around for my birthday..

12th August 2009
Somehow, heard some news that shattered this short lived happiness of mine. Sigh..
Not about u, it was about ken's case.

15th August 2009
The only time u realised u are wrong is only when u are alone. I shall have an early night. Goodnight.
Not about u too. It was fang, about her work attitude. Sick of work stuff.

18th August 2009
From this incident, once more I learnt again it doesnt pay to be nice & one can get a clear view on those who really care about u. However, that doesnt mean that those who didnt voice out, arent caring either.
I was sick, in need of a replacement & somehow, fang didnt reply my sms. I was damn angry over e work replacement thing. You were always there for me, I remember u saying how sad u are for not being to take care of me when I am sick. Hai, u are just so silly, I wasnt angry or upset with u at all & I am afraid that I will spread to u. Moreover, u have to work e next day, just wanted u to have enough rest.

24th August 2009
This post is just about how much I liked e book & how it managed to stir my feelings. Nothing much about it..

25th August 2009
Lol, it somehow amazes me; those foolish things that I did in e past. But then, I dont see why I wouldnt do them again? Heh.
I did alot of foolish things in e past. & because of u, am willing to do them again :) Simply means am willing to do anything for u.

2nd September 2009
Got myself fucked.
I forget what was this about. But it certainly has no link to u at all. Hai, I dont know how to prove it to u.

8th September 2009
The past one year has been a big mistake.
It was about my studies, I was too complacent about it.

10th September 2009
Ha, not trying to link it to anything, in fact there isnt any link at all. It just that, flashback of e past happens too frequently to me. Worst thing is, I indulged too much in it; used to. However, something seems to be missing recently. Of course, its not as if I can read myself, knowing when & what flashbacks I be getting. Its really very hard to say.
Its explained on e entry itself, it wasnt connected to anything, just a random writing. Actually, I wrote it after a conversation with alan, gui & beng; if I remember correctly. Cos e last sentence 'Its really very hard to say' was coined by one of them.

20th October 2009
Sometimes, e truth need not be told. Necessary it may seem, to others. Well, not for me. I dont mean that I tell lies most of e time, what I meant is, I normally dont say out things what people will want to hear. & thats a big issue to some. Hai, hard to accomodate to everyone. Simply because; Some people embrace e beautiful lie, while most people hate e ugly truth.But not all truth are ugly right? At e very least, what I spoke out everything that night :)
I know its a bad explanation about e way I express myself. But, I was trying to explain it in this post. Xilei, this post was in reference to e conversation we had by e river, when I cried 1st time in front of u, telling u how much u are important to me & how worried I was when I knew chek was joining your company. It is e truth all along, u are important to me. And u told me, u were touched by what I said.

27th October 2009
My temper, am trying to curb it all along. It was triggered cos of my branch accounts.

29th October 2009
Where are u when I need u? LOL. I realise at e worst of times, those that turned up are really those that care about you. Even a single sms will suffice. Thanks.
This is indeed misleading. 1st, it wasnt about u. 2nd, u are always around, maybe not physically, but u are always providing me e support. The problem was I was damn fed up with e job, cos I already assigned tasks out, & nobody seem to give a damn about it. Hence 'e where are u when I need u?' Whenever I get worked up over work, I never fail to sms u. I quitted e job on that day & u came to find me at library right after work. It was such a pure joy to see u.

You have always been my pillar of strength

5th November 2009
I dont know why, but I got a dreadful feeling on going back. Hai, means I have to forgo my sunday brunch @ Paulaner, gan. On e brighter side, holidays in 2 weeks time! Wee~
I decided to go back to work. But u didnt know one thing, I was quite upset about not being able to spend e sunday with u. Though u didnt know about it, e thoughtful part of u told me to go & work. I was looking forward to it all along. Not blaming u, but letting u know that I really wanted to spend more time with u.

30th November 2009
LOL. I nearly fell off my bed when I read e post. Some stories are really damn hilarious when u realised u were part of e joke then; I thought it was one of my happiest moments. Well, more of a good laugh for me now, haha. Ah, I been missing alot from blogging. So, some major events that happened.
Hai.. e post that I was referring to was my ex's girlfriend blog. I already got over her long ago, so when I read e post, I was laughing at myself about how stupid I was then. And we just came back from Lombok, I was thinking of going back there again with u.. It was a very fun filled holiday, truly enjoyed myself. So did u.

It was e last of my blog entries with u.
Alot of times, u really misunderstood my body language. Not your fault at all, e impression I give people always send out mix signals. & I wasnt angry with u for anything that u cant make it. E.g cant meet for meals(cos of my last min schedules) cant stay overnite (I do understand why u cant & e difficulties u face) Sometimes am just too tired, but being quiet is really myself. Well, I could have done a much more better job by spending more time with u, showing u more attention & being more sensitive towards your thinking (everything). I do appreciate for having u around, u are one of e best event that come into my life.

Hope these clear up e misunderstandings. Perhaps, if I knew this problem much earlier on, we wouldnt have ended up like this. All this things did contribute to your decision, but am not asking for anything now; Just a fair judgement for this relationship..

At least u do know why I keep saying I am happy with u all along. None of my entries were written about being angry with u..

Xilei, am sorry about this mess. Will you forgive me for this things?