Past & Present.

For each forgotten kiss, for all e memories
For all e times a look, said all we had to say
You played yr part so well, a modern romeo
You came on cupid's wings & then den you flew away ...
When u touch my face, when u call my name
I burn with desire.

For every sleepless night, forever in yr arms
For every hr spent, lost in e reverie
You broke yr promises, no shame and no regret
You burn e bridges too, an endless mystery.

The past & e present. Am glad that I saw you last night, ha.
Happy new year everyone ~

Merry merry xmas!

X'mas came & went.

Well, compared to last year, this year is a slightly better one; not that last year was bad; last year had to cook ma, this year dont need, wahaha.. Schedule was damn tight, I was rushing everywhere, lol.. First, lunch was with shiyan at Hongkong Cafe in Cineleisure & I was late for more than a hour; forgot to iron my shirt. Still, I took a cab down & realised that e new revised cab fare is damn fucking expensive. Well, I got e lunch free :) Then I was left alone in orchard looking for an ideal christmas present. I didnt know buying christmas present can be such a headache, luckily e search ended in Kinokuniya. Actually I wanted to go there get some books for myself, but an idea struck me when I was at e philosophy section "Wa, this book sure ideal", but I didnt get that book. Cos on e way to e cashier, I saw another book on "Murphy's Law", haa.. This became e present. Had a steamboat dinner with e secondary gang minus joel(on sacred duty) & siqi (working), else everyone was around. Everything was LAST minute, very 'gey cua', I bet beng will have comments on this again. Well, did went well in e end & we had our nice dinner in beng's house. Left at 830pm, again in a rush to meet e next group of friends. Had dinner at Waraku restaurant, opposite Clarke quay. Hehe, best thing was that e tab wasnt on me! Then followed by countdown & I was supposed to join another group in holland village at 1am, but shiyan & kaira already left. Hence, I presumed everyone was going off, so didnt went over, then eddy called me at 2am saying that they were still there; I was already home, Zzzzz..

Anyway, I enjoyed myself this christmas! Though it didnt really turn out e way I want it to be, it will still be one that I will remember fondly, ti amo.

Great.

Am having a big headache now..
I'm missing you badly..

Days.

Not been my usual self for e past few days.

Thursday & friday were unusually quiet, I was on offline mode all e while, staying at home, learning to do nothing until friday evening. I had to collect some phones on my friend behalf, christmas presents ya? & I wanted to see her badly, so went to help her to get a log cake but I went home straight right after passing her; stupid right? I have wanted to take this 2 days to reflect upon myself, to ask myself what I have done, what I really want & what can be done without doing anything. My mind was definitely drifting, towards one spot & e only conclusion I have after 1.5 days of pondering: Just follow my heart? I'm giving all out.

Come saturday. It was a busy day, morning out to Carrefour with shiyan & kaira to get e food stuffs & liquers. Found out one thing, Carrefour stuffs is damn expensive, get from Seng siong instead! Ha. By e time we reached shiyan house, already 3pm le. So, I quickly started to prepare e stingrays 1st, followed by e chicken thighs while kaira prepare e garlic & did e steak(dont know using what korean/jap seasoning). Setting up e pit was a breeze & e bbq started! Fuck, it started to rain after 15mins & we had to hold several umbrella to cook e food. At some point, I was holding e umbrella with one hand & cooking e food with another, sounds fun huh? Wait till you guys try it. Texas poker followed up, I didnt play e 1st few rounds, cos I will upset e odds? LOL. Eventually, I did play & pocketed $54! Shiyan must be still feeling e pain, cos he as e organiser, forked out $ for all e food & on top of that, lose $100++ Well, e drinks were good, finished a red, gin & whisky but we didnt manage to open e whites, damn it. Glad that everything went well except for e rain. Got a pleasant sight in e end which made me very happy, thanks for it. & I think I said alot of stupid things. However, no one realised something was missing, sigh..

My faith.

I thought I lost them for good.
Saw them, lying on a stack of magazine when I reached home this morning.

3am wednesday morning. Was drinking with szehui at home, damn moody that night, prior to her, shiyan & kaira came over to drink with me too; cos I didnt want to go out, sorry. I started throwing e rings out of frustration, but on what I dont know, next thing I know I was rushing out of house to book in. I did try to look for them; half hearted & I thought to myself "one day dont wear wouldnt die one". Back in camp, I overslept & my superior had to give me a wake up call. I quickly changed into my no. 4 & was on my way to office & I heard, " Charlie, why are you in no. 4? We need to clock our swim timing!" Zzzz, I was having a severe headache from e half bottle of gin, yet I couldnt tell my officer that I drank till 5am before I book in. In e pool, feelings was great when I entered e pool, e coldness sort of take out e headache for awhile. It sucks, e headache was growing intense as I swam, I nearly puke out on e 6th or 7th lap. Lots of things were going through my mind, but come to think of it, I dont know what they are now, ha.

Night was jason's ROM bbq. Funny thing was, I actually made plans for that night a week back. Alot of things happened this past few days, so I was contemplating to attend it. Finally, I decided; I will reach there earlier, congrat him & slip off before e others arrived. Still, I couldnt find e rings. Ahh... Perhaps, divine intervention? ? My heart overruled me, I was wasting time at home. However, I still reached earlier, siqi, fang & my brother reached 2mins after me, too much of a coincidence? I tried to give them(her) a surprise, but I think it was kinda stupid of me to did that cos it didnt seem to achieve anything. Initially I told dave that I wouldnt be there when they reached; actually I just want to avoid e whole group of them cos he will definitely have some sort of meeting. In e end, I stayed & e hearing sessions begin. Somehow I wasnt that bothered about e things between me & zhiyi, for one, he's totally soundproof, none can get words into his mind, he's just literally in his own world. Both dave & ken were quite irritated; they were trying to talk sense into him, but he kept saying that there is nothing to say, fuck stubborn. Luckily, in e end, some of it did get into his brain. At a distance, I sense disturbance, saw you like quite sian? Which then, I tried to do some assurance but think it backfired.

Well, then dave & me had a one-to-one session, I finally broke my silence & told him about my future plans & my wavering interest in this company. Whether he understands anot, doesnt matter, cos I didnt understand what I was saying at some point, my mind was somewhere else. He said e usual stuff; dont ask what e company can do for you, but what you can do for e company. He just dont get it, I already lose interest in this whole thing & e only way to bring it back, is to re-ignite e lost spark in me. Forever in different wavelengths, sigh...


Alright, e next one is funny. He talked to me about micheal relationship; e latter is going to ROM this coming february. Problem is he feels that micheal's girlfriend is not suitable for him. Reason being, she is eccentric, this one I agree. Next, she dont love him, just having him for company, this one I have not much of comments cos I dont really know or get to see what happened; Dave knew it cos he seen e sms exchange between e 2 of them & apparently, his girlfriend also sent him sms too. Anyway, I see his point, its just like me trying to tell siqi not to be with stella? He wants me to have a good talk with micheal, cos more opinion would make him think twice about his marriage. Of course, if he's happy with her, I will also be happy for him. Still, I had a casual chat with micheal & he seems quite satisfied o.O whatever. After which, jason came over to talk to me, with regards to my relationship, ha.. Then, I received a startling message & it made me damn sad. I started to wander around e chalet compound aimlessly, mind was a complete blank. On e way back home, I was worried about what she has been thinking; that she is e source of trouble, which is actually NOT. And I had a talk with my brother when we reached home, seems that dave went to tell others what that wasnt suppose, when I wasnt around! Cos of that, I only managed to knock myself out at 9am & e whole of today has been spent on sleeping. After all of this, I just dont feel like going out & I finally realised, home is actually e best sanctuary one can ever have.

Some idiots just dont realise their stupidity, e hurt they unwittingly inflict to others when they hurt themselves. How their love ones care more about them than they care about themselves. They are still on e table & I have found e reason to remain it this way; you.

The hardest lesson is learning when to do nothing.

530pm, I just woke up.
I was hitted by 2 bad news this morning.

I thought my grandfather's condition has already stabilised, but after a talk with e doctor, it proved otherwise. Seems that his condition can never improve nor it is stable, e medicines are only there to prevent it from becoming worse, prolonging his life. & e worse thing is, he may leave us anytime; if there is a relapse, which is highly probable. Fuckup thing is, my relatives doesnt seem to bother much about his health too, as in no one really wants to make a trip down to accompany him for e visit, to know more about his condition from e doctor. I know they do care about him, but e actions just proved otherwise? Sigh.. Its just so scary to know that your love one is going to leave you any moment, yet you just cant do anything about it. All I can do, is to accompany him to e hospital at all times, I dont know how long more he can still be around...

The 2nd news actually came earlier. I was flabbergasted when I read e message & it got worse lines after lines. To think that she actually did listen to what I said & kept it in mind assured me for a moment, but to use it as e basis of her decision, thats 'nothing to say', speechless, though I did reply back. I didnt see it coming, definitely not before christmas; things never go your way huh? I held on, even when I knew of my grandfather's condition. Until when I was on e way to Ikea, my mind started crumbling down & at e corner of my eyes, tears formed. I couldnt control e feelings that was overwhelming me, both news affected me badly & happened within such a short span. Luckily, it stopped when I stepped into e building & I plugged in my ipod, playing trance all e way. I went home after getting e 12 glasses for this weekend party & a small stool for my sister use. Bed was e 1st priority, but I noticed something amiss in my wardrobe, hmm.. Fell asleep at around 250pm & woke up with a bigger headache; to be writing this entry now. Having a small chocolate log cake; yes, I hate chocolate, but still need to fill stomach what, Chocolate fudge on top with chocolate mint inside, looks more like a hit with e ladies, anyway thanks to e idiot who brought it from Coffee club. Somehow, my mind is a complete blank, I arent thinking right nor in e mood to think of anything.
Only one thing is occupying my mind now.
You.

Bang walls.

Great, I fuck e wall again.
Why has it be always at e wrong time? Sigh, I should had kept quiet....

Links.

Repercussions.
I often wonder whether my past actions account for everything that is happening. So, if thats e case, am I supposed to know what e future holds? Answer is no. But isnt that what is done in e present paves a path for e future? I think that sometimes I think too much, over analyse stuff which result in me trying too hard. Am I showing off? No. Just trying to make others life easier. Yet, somehow I got misunderstood by some. Its always easy to be misunderstood, I mean myself. Cos I often like to do things my own way, exerting authority on others & blunt words just seem to come out at e wrong time, sigh.. Because of a decision I made, I have several fronts to contend with now. Its worth it, cos I get to see e silly smile at e end of e day.

WAD ----> What a day.

Fucking tulan today.
First, I lost my precious sleep; slept at around 430am & I need to go to work cos I 'gey kiang', told dave I can work. Second thing, I received a sms from xiaoyi, asking me to give him a call, confirm something bad happen, I told myself. Really fuck thing happened, I have to book in by 11pm tonight. Really cb lo, e duty already burnt my saturday night, & now they want to burn my friday night too _ _ Didnt have e mood to eat lunch too, but I was hungry, gobbled up e wanton mee in 5mins; which I didnt want to order but I told siqi to order mine for whatever he ordered. Then went for work; came a cb regular who got me more tulan but I'm too lazy to type out e details now. Evening, I was thinking to get a mc anot, am still having flu & sore throat & a slight fever. But it subsided, wtf. Lastly, e bus which is e final straw. Fucking bus 961, I waited 30mins for it, when it finally came, super full house. Thus, I waited another 10 more mins for e next one. Luckily, I got a seat & sensing misfortune might strike me again, I sat e alarm clock to 1035pm; it helped, I fell asleep while replying a sms.

Watched 2 movies yesterday, been a long time since I did that. 1st movie was 'Warlords' with beng, alan & chang, featuring Andy Lau, Jet Li & Takeshi Kaneshiro. Its about 3 gays who met each other in e pub & decided to become sworn faggots & they named their group as e 'Gaylords' . However, in order to be more widely accepted by others, they decided to use Warlords instead. Ya, thats what e movie is all about, faggots fagging faggots. Ha, no offense to gays, go catch e show! 2nd movie was ' Alvin & e chipmunks' & they are really really damn cute. If only real chipmunks are so cute? Anyway, its quite funny but I missed e 1st 15mins of it cos some idiot was late; yet she was e one who asked me to buy e 630pm tickets. Oh ya, speaking of which, I did something damn idiotic. I was already 5mins late for e 1st show, so I kinda rush to e theatre as alan left my tickets with e usher. I remembered it was theatre 2, went in, but I couldnt find them. As I didnt want to disturb others, I just took one of e front seats & messaged beng that I wouldnt be sitting with them. Actually I got abit suspicious, cos e show was like going to an end? It really ended in 15mins. I was like, eh.. wtf? I thought we watched e 330pm show? I didnt see them among e leaving crowd la, so I quickly approached e usher, "Is this theatre 2?" " No sir, this is theatre 3" OMFG, I am such a complete idiot. Finally, I joined them at e correct theatre, missed 20mins of e starting & watched 'Warlords' ending for 2 times, great huh! Thereafter, early dinner was at Hongkong cafe with e guys, but I left earlier for e 2nd show & ..... I forgot e tab, haha! Next time I my treat :) Took a walk down to Goodwood Park hotel with her, had some drinks there & siqi met up with us at 1030pm. Then, we had drinks at my place, my brother joined us & szehui joined at around 12am. Lol, I think me & szehui talked too much which incurred e wrath of someone who was ' trying to sleep' ? Ha, szehui also told me some silly stuffs, shrugs~~ In e end, e 2 girls had my bed, siqi with my brother in his room & I had e best choice, e sofa in e living room, lol...

Sian, blogging in camp really sucks alot. I'm missing you alot too.

On leave!!

Wahahaha! I will be on leave till next year 2nd week of january! Hmm, what should I do then?

• Buy new clothes
• Clear my old clothes
• Get my Poly cert which I have been telling myself to get it for e past 1 & a half years.
• Do more deals
• Maybe get a new phone, 6300 or k1 Black (Any surprises?)
• Preparations & make arrangement for 22th & all other important dates.
• Go out more with su yin
• Get wine & liquer glasses from IKEA.
• Stock up my Absoulutes & Barcardis! Running out of stock soon!
• Ya, time to change blogskin!
• Fuck la, I dont know still got what, but confirm have alot of things to do

Kena cheated. Went with andy for e swimming trial yesterday at Yishun Safra; for e 2008 S'pore biathlon. At first, we thought it was 10 laps in 30mins ---> easy feat, any moron can do it, heh. It turned out to be 30 laps in 40mins, omg. Sian, halfway through, my eyes got cloudy, due to e high chlorine in e water; I didnt wear goggles(big mistake, I need to get one!). Luckily I finished it in 39mins, lol. But my eyes were damn fucking painful & my vision damn blur; as if I was in genting, Zzzzz.. Then, went down outram to pick her up & went to Vivo thereafter.

Lol.. The way she handle things always left me stumped, yet that's one of e reasons that attracts me. How I wish e night was longer...

:)

Yeah! I finally met my su yin riao~!

Past 2 days.

Last saturday guard duty was e worst one I ever had.
First, early in e morning we had to perform a taking over ceremony, a recent new implementation which none of us know about it, so had to rehearse several times. Next, due to e superb 'efficiency' of e Signal company, afew of e men cant bear arms. So, pradeep who was e guard commander, decided to call e reserves to replace them. Turned out that e reserves werent e reserves cos they mentioned that they had done guard duty a few days ago & werent aware being on standby, great huh? Then in e late afternoon, one of e prowlers had a bad fall & dislocated his shoulders, luckily he didnt break his arm, phew... Best of all, I was besieged with a headache, heartache & e fact that I didnt sleep on friday night, made e whole thing even worse. It was only until around 1140pm, then I finally fell asleep on one of e beds in e guardroom; to be awaken up by a phone call at 1am plus. Actually, I had 2 miss call on e other phone, but I didnt hear it nor feel e vibration. The nature of e conversation, wasnt anything good or bad but it definitely relieved me of e heartache when e call ended. After a few sms exchange, I drifted off into sleep soundly.... to be awaken by xiaoyi at 345am for my duty shift. Supposed to end duty at 8am but was delayed by e 'efficiency' of e 5SIR guard personnel. But not all were solely at fault, cos some of them did make an effort to come in on saturday night; it was only afew fucking selfish cb individuals who booked in at e last minute. Still, they didnt make any effort to check e inventory thoroughly, can asking me where are e things placed when they are just right before their eyes. Anyway, right after bookout, had to rush down to Rail mall to get e mango strudel which I had asked victor to buy on e previous night. Ya, it was for someone special. Thereafter, xiaoyi, pradeep, yancong & me went over to bukit timah to had our breakfast. Halfway consuming, came a heavy downpour, really wtf lo; it always happen when I have a delivery to make. Finally made it back home at 11am, fell asleep on e bed, only to wake up at 1pm; late for work! Luckily told my brother that I would be late, haha..

Its been a long while since I work together with my brother cos he used to swap with others to other branches whenever he know that he will be working with me. Sigh... I always want him to have e best & impart any knowledge & skills that I have to it. Thus, I always take his mistakes harshly. even for e slightest ones, so that he can remember & not to repeat again. Hence, he hated working with me. So, afew months back, I had a talk with him, explaining why I always reprimand him, telling him that he should stop swapping with others. Somehow, this thing backfire, as in I didnt want to work with him yesterday! But its not because I dont want to work with him, I wanted to work with someone else instead. So much for explaining huh, Zzzzz.. Gawd, he has grown up alot, more mature in his thinking & in his sense of dressing. Maybe its e girlfriend factor? Haa.. So, we were chatting most of e time during work, about his relationship then work, follow by his future plans. Out of e blue, he popped up one question, something which has tormented me for long. Sigh, all along he didnt know about it, I thought; he actually knew it for sometime but didnt dare to mention to me. I also dont know who e fuck went to tell him, though he did mention e name. But nevermind, it doesnt matter anyway... Well, from what I deem, it was a very good conversation.

& finally, I told him last night. I'm glad to have you around, brother.

Zzzzz...

I'm divided. Cant sleep at all.
From one account, if I choose to believe, that means e other is bluffing. But I cant afford to doubt either. This whole thing is a mess & I really dont know what to do about it. Thought honesty is always e best policy? Yet, how do one know e truth is really being said out? Sigh.. I just want answers; firm ones.
If not, I just have to bail out.

Bother.

Had too much of a sleep today, but it wasnt a peaceful one; phone kept ringing, sms kept coming, msn popping up, wtf. This is how I spent e first half of my day on leave, shrugs ~ Something is bothering me; alot. Especially e contents of e conversation. I know that I'm always serious into relationship but to know that being serious can screwed up one; its for e first time. Maybe its time for me to relook at my priorities & revalue commitments & responsibilities. Afterall, I have been sticking to e same one ever since I had a relationship? I have no qualms about giving my love ones space if one tell me that I arent their priority. Maybe it feels sucky abit, but I respect e decision made. Sigh, I just hope somethings will not happen. Shall go shop for some new clothes.

You make me think. Grrr...

Arrrrr!!!

Fuck, i really hate this kind of feeling. To know that I'm waiting & still being kept waiting, Zzzz.. Ya, I didnt really voice out, but isnt it easily understood? & you seem to be so oblivious about it. Maybe its my fault, I shouldnt have any expectations from you at all.

Nights just seem harder to pass. Goodnight.

Zzzzz..

It amazes me that I can understand so many things & be such a complete idiot about so many others. Sigh...

Off!

Sigh.. Damn prone to injury nowadays, sprain my ankle yesterday when I was playing basketball; old liao! Nothing spectacular happened for e past 3 days, except for e nights which gave me quite a surprise. Other than that, one bad news came along, they finally found out about e loophole; I have to serve guard duty liao! Kao, 2 weekends for this month; this coming saturday & e next one. Anyway, I drank e most expensive caramel ice blended yesterday, thanks to myself for being a too nice guy :( Cos shiyan had wanted to spring a surprise for kaira, but I didnt know it was, so I told kaira about it who was talking to me on msn. So, as a punishment, I had to rush down in a cab to East coast park to drink coffee with them. Taxi fare amounted to $12(pain; heartache), hence e most expensive caramel ice blended in e history of my life. For e record, just for you two hor :D Lol, these two are a funny pair, especially in e car, like to do alot of ahem.. funny stuffs :p Next time, I just close my eyes while you two are in e same car, wahahahaha...
Weee.. Off today, nice morning huh? Time to do some meaningful things while some idiots are still sleeping.

Till dawn..

It's so much e same as last time. Till morning then.

Touch me in e night.

Hmm, sorry to shiyan, eddy, nich, siqi & whoever was @ holland village for not coming for e gathering; I had to do what I had to do, sure go for e next one? Haha.. It was a sudden decision, cos initial plan was for me to send her home. I held her hands again! Cos it was cold? So, nothing of significance. Upon reaching downstairs, she asked me where I was going; I forgot what I said. But I was told to wait for her to put her stuffs & thereafter, brought me to Ridout garden to chill out. Hmm, nothing much happened, we just talked for awhile & carried on with our own novels. I gave up to tireness at around 130am, slept for like 10mins on e table, lol. It was her turn when I woke up, eventually we took a walk back to her house. Hmm, walking beside her, e notion of holding her hands always pop up, yet I dont dare. Maybe I scared she will let go? Come on, I need to do something about it.

Ups & downs.

Sia la, my body feels so warm now.
Just woke up after having an afternoon nap, didnt really have a sound sleep, calls & sms kept coming in, but at least I feel much more better now. Wtf, I dont know how I got a strain ligament on my right leg, only felt it when I woke up this morning, Zzzz..

Yesterday night conversation was good, once again, I'm mesmerised by her seriousness whenever she talks in a serious mood. Ha, so I know, she have been anticipating my questions, so do I; on her reactions. Its funny that 2 person are discussing their dark side, bad habits in a way that its to let e other party know them fully well & to ... Hmm, accept it? Well, I really enjoyed e short walk down e quayside. But e subsequent events that unfold after that made me think hard again. I made e right choice, guess all its left is your calling now?