Sunset.

I suppose it is e last time I ever get to see e sunset over east coast park? Well, e last time I ever got to see it, was with u. Sigh, are these just meant to be only memories? As I went through e night, e thoughts of u never leave my mind & I was left wondering why arent u by my side? I wanted to make a wish, but there wasnt a star in e clear grey skies. I tried to close my eyes, to make peace with myself, to just take a deep breathe & try to let things go; but e pain never stop. The only good was e calm sea, that served to be a quieting medium.

To those who were around, thanks :)

Against my wishes.

All I can do, is to let u slowly fade away.

No idea.

Really dont know what to say.
Thanks for e vote of no confidence.

..

I was waiting e whole day. Because of that, my mind wasnt able to concentrate on anything I set out to do. Deep down, I knew that e wait was futile, just waiting for a miracle to happen. Perhaps, most dont understand that, e difficulties lie with e suppression one has to undertake in order to feel, talk, act normal to e person u love.

No matter what I do, or explain. It just make things worse, hai..

Well, I think I its really time to wake up. I have slept enough.

28.

Its another disappointment that I created for myself.

Gdnite.

Before sunrise; before sunset.

Went to my paternal grandparents' house on monday. The usual thing happened, I always cant figure which floor they reside, its either 12th or 13th. Funny thing is, I always tell myself to remember, but whenever I reached there, I always have to check it out first. Lol, I cant seem to remember things I want to remember but things that I dont want to remember, always surface. Is it a matter/level of commitment; e act of committing things/incidents to one's memories? If that is so, how do u prove this commitment then? The fact that he can remember? e miniscule details that he can provide? Or what? We always assumed that if a person cant remember e thing he is supposed to, it means that its insignifcant to him. Likewise, if a person dont seem to bother, its simply assumed that he dont give a damn about e issue. It isnt wrong for most to assume, but it isnt always right all e time.

& I still cant remember which floor is it again.

After watching 'Daybreakers' just now, I remember a movie starring ethan hawke, 'Before Sunrise', kinda nostalgic, it was way back to secondary school. As much as I can remember, it depicts how 2 strangers met & spent a night together in Vienna, knowing that they will have to part before sunrise & probably cant get to see each other again. However before they left, they agreed to meet at e same place again after a time period. In e end, they didnt get to meet, I forgot what was e reason, but it wasnt delibrate by either of them. Until e sequel, 'Before Sunset'. Again, they have limited time & by sunset, they would have to make a choice.

In e sequel, after a few years, e guy(ethan hawke)wrote a novel based on them & during a promotion stop, he actually got to meet her at a bookstore which happened to be his last presentation. So, everything rewind, both of them asked each other why they didnt meet up, what had happened in their life all this while & given a choice, what would they choose.

The sad thing is there isnt really an ending, it ends with ethan hawke deciding to stay or leave. Given its me, I would have stayed :) Watch it if u happen to have a copy of it.



The top wordings? ' What if you had a second chance with e one that got away?'

@ spinelli now.

Spinelli@ Orchard central, another place for e quiet to enjoy a peaceful cup of coffee while immersing yourself in novels/notes; in e reveries.

But i dont see u in my sights.

Though e images of u constantly lingers on my mind..

Ambler.

Uncertainty is when likelihood of future events is simply incalculable.
Uncertainty is when you dont even know what you dont even know.
This is what some people dont understand.

For prevarication was never my strong suit, yet I often give e wrong impression. Which, am still trying to figure out.

It doesnt get any better. Sigh..

Comme d'habitude.

We have to choose what we believe, sometimes.

I was rather moody till I saw e box of durian puffs. They worked miracles & for a while, I was quite happy, ate e box of six. & it dawned upon me that, I get too easily satisfied till I tend to overlook things around me.

Everytime, when I wake up, be it in e middle of e night or morning, e very first thing I want to see, is u sleeping soundly beside me. Or e very least, your ever smiling face.

..

Hai.. Why?

..

Somehow, I really feel like an idiot.

I cant understand e rapid transition one can undertake from lovers to strangers in just a matter of days. & whenever I think about it, it gets kinda depressing. Take instance for this morning; I was on e bus, on e way to school. The instance it went past her house, I thought of e times she went school together with me, just to accompany me for lesson. Ended up, most of e time, I slept thru e lesson & she took e notes for me. That was one of e 'xinfu' I got from her, but I hardly told her that I love her presence around. LOL, am always late for this kind of stuff.

Too late right?
Thats why, I feel like an idiot. Complete idiot.

...

It felt strange somehow without e smiles.

Missing u.

Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. How on earth can you explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love? Put your hand on a stove for a minute & it seems like an hour. Sit with that special girl for an hour and it seems like a minute. That's relativity :)

Its not about finding.
Its about meeting e right one at e right time with e right feelings.
Its not about looks, not about how nice e person is.
& not about what flaw she has or not.
But accepting her & loving her unconditonally.

Though, am able to sleep peacefully without waking up every 10-15mins, I still keep thinking of u. Guess that, I need to get used to life slowly without having u around.

It is very tormenting; to keep my hands off from pressing e numbers.

Till then.

Perhaps, I already made my points across.
Though alot of things I did, backfired,
I at least tried my best.
You taught me a whole new level of being misunderstood,
which me have to learn to change for e best of everyone, & most important, for myself.
& this one year has been one of e best part of my life, in fact one of e happiest period.

Because of u, smiling comes easy.
I will always remember that. Thanks for all e memories.

Till then.

Am sorry Xilei.

I was reading my posts for e past half year & I came to realise that I made a terrible big mistake. I finally understand why u said u arent e girlfriend I want & e pain I inflicted on u when u read e posts. The way I wrote it, together with e unfortunate back to back grievances, made u thought that u were e one I was unhappy about.
Totally wrong, none of e unhappiness/grievance was about u at all. When I have an issue, I always voiced out & I wouldnt just write it here. In fact, I am happy with u all along. I know its hard for u to believe now & it isnt a case of trying to get u back. But letting u know that, u intepreted my posts wrongly & thought wrongly about this r/s. & if I dont explain these out, I will carry this regret for e rest of my life.

20th May 2009
Somehow, this incident made me realised something very important.
I felt very bad, very sorry for locking u outside & told myself, it wouldnt happen again. Because of this, I realised e importance of u in my heart. u are e something.

16th June 2009
Am almost enjoying everything I do, except for work( sometimes). Though I dont really consider this as a balance lifestyle yet, cos I still dont have much time for my family & xilei.
I have always put u as my priority along with my family & I always wanted to have more time with u..

12th July 2009
The perfect union. Makes one think why is it always so hard to make things perfect; without realising e imperfect self.

Being imperfect is e beauty of itself.
Hai.. u are e perfect union with me. Me, being e imperfect one. You, e perfect one. Am always trying to be a perfect boyfriend/husband to u.

29th July 2009
Sometimes I do wonder what can I really do other than what I am doing now? The next few years are e stepping stones for e next stage of my life, yet I can only see myself stepping right into thin air. Why e negative thoughts? Perhaps e past 2 weeks let me had a glipse of how screwed up things can be when one become too complacent. & it made me rethink my current options. Sad to say, I have none better.
This post was totally about work. My unhappiness with my current work & my future career.

4th August 2009
It seems to me that I didnt really make a choice that time. & after a serious talk, I realised that am not sure of what I want. Thinking back of e times when I was really alone in Jakarta, I fully understood e need of a someone to be there.
I was thinking about our relationship. Thinking about whether I need you for e sake of just having someone around or do I really love u? The next post explains e period why I was in deep thoughts about our relationship. I was taking e next big step & I was afraid to make a wrong one.

7th August 2009
But I arent bitter about it, just wondering about e question that I have been asking myself for e past few days.& I think am getting near to an answer soon.
I remember that those few days, u were quite worried. Cos I didnt talk much with u, everytime u asked whether anything wrong, I dont dare to tell u? Reason being; I couldnt have tell u e situation/e thoughts I was in, it would have given u uncall worries. & On this very night, e decision was actually decided, jieqi was around. I knew I love u & I wanted to move on to e next stage. & thats to spend my life.. with u.

10th August 2009
Neverending excuses? Am used to it. Though I always give e benefit of doubt, it never stops me from thinking otherwise.Passed another year of mine, finally 24. Totally exhausted, but still, I would like to thank everyone who had made e slightest effort to wish me a happy birthday. & also to those who shelf their time to celebrate my birthday too, deeply appreciate it:)I havent wish what I want to wish for. Cos I really dont know what I really want.
I think this is where e main trouble started right? It was about work, fang's attitude towards it. & I really dont know what to wish for, cos simply I dont know what I want. & I already got u, that is good enough :) Glad u were around for my birthday..

12th August 2009
Somehow, heard some news that shattered this short lived happiness of mine. Sigh..
Not about u, it was about ken's case.

15th August 2009
The only time u realised u are wrong is only when u are alone. I shall have an early night. Goodnight.
Not about u too. It was fang, about her work attitude. Sick of work stuff.

18th August 2009
From this incident, once more I learnt again it doesnt pay to be nice & one can get a clear view on those who really care about u. However, that doesnt mean that those who didnt voice out, arent caring either.
I was sick, in need of a replacement & somehow, fang didnt reply my sms. I was damn angry over e work replacement thing. You were always there for me, I remember u saying how sad u are for not being to take care of me when I am sick. Hai, u are just so silly, I wasnt angry or upset with u at all & I am afraid that I will spread to u. Moreover, u have to work e next day, just wanted u to have enough rest.

24th August 2009
This post is just about how much I liked e book & how it managed to stir my feelings. Nothing much about it..

25th August 2009
Lol, it somehow amazes me; those foolish things that I did in e past. But then, I dont see why I wouldnt do them again? Heh.
I did alot of foolish things in e past. & because of u, am willing to do them again :) Simply means am willing to do anything for u.

2nd September 2009
Got myself fucked.
I forget what was this about. But it certainly has no link to u at all. Hai, I dont know how to prove it to u.

8th September 2009
The past one year has been a big mistake.
It was about my studies, I was too complacent about it.

10th September 2009
Ha, not trying to link it to anything, in fact there isnt any link at all. It just that, flashback of e past happens too frequently to me. Worst thing is, I indulged too much in it; used to. However, something seems to be missing recently. Of course, its not as if I can read myself, knowing when & what flashbacks I be getting. Its really very hard to say.
Its explained on e entry itself, it wasnt connected to anything, just a random writing. Actually, I wrote it after a conversation with alan, gui & beng; if I remember correctly. Cos e last sentence 'Its really very hard to say' was coined by one of them.

20th October 2009
Sometimes, e truth need not be told. Necessary it may seem, to others. Well, not for me. I dont mean that I tell lies most of e time, what I meant is, I normally dont say out things what people will want to hear. & thats a big issue to some. Hai, hard to accomodate to everyone. Simply because; Some people embrace e beautiful lie, while most people hate e ugly truth.But not all truth are ugly right? At e very least, what I spoke out everything that night :)
I know its a bad explanation about e way I express myself. But, I was trying to explain it in this post. Xilei, this post was in reference to e conversation we had by e river, when I cried 1st time in front of u, telling u how much u are important to me & how worried I was when I knew chek was joining your company. It is e truth all along, u are important to me. And u told me, u were touched by what I said.

27th October 2009
My temper, am trying to curb it all along. It was triggered cos of my branch accounts.

29th October 2009
Where are u when I need u? LOL. I realise at e worst of times, those that turned up are really those that care about you. Even a single sms will suffice. Thanks.
This is indeed misleading. 1st, it wasnt about u. 2nd, u are always around, maybe not physically, but u are always providing me e support. The problem was I was damn fed up with e job, cos I already assigned tasks out, & nobody seem to give a damn about it. Hence 'e where are u when I need u?' Whenever I get worked up over work, I never fail to sms u. I quitted e job on that day & u came to find me at library right after work. It was such a pure joy to see u.

You have always been my pillar of strength

5th November 2009
I dont know why, but I got a dreadful feeling on going back. Hai, means I have to forgo my sunday brunch @ Paulaner, gan. On e brighter side, holidays in 2 weeks time! Wee~
I decided to go back to work. But u didnt know one thing, I was quite upset about not being able to spend e sunday with u. Though u didnt know about it, e thoughtful part of u told me to go & work. I was looking forward to it all along. Not blaming u, but letting u know that I really wanted to spend more time with u.

30th November 2009
LOL. I nearly fell off my bed when I read e post. Some stories are really damn hilarious when u realised u were part of e joke then; I thought it was one of my happiest moments. Well, more of a good laugh for me now, haha. Ah, I been missing alot from blogging. So, some major events that happened.
Hai.. e post that I was referring to was my ex's girlfriend blog. I already got over her long ago, so when I read e post, I was laughing at myself about how stupid I was then. And we just came back from Lombok, I was thinking of going back there again with u.. It was a very fun filled holiday, truly enjoyed myself. So did u.

It was e last of my blog entries with u.
Alot of times, u really misunderstood my body language. Not your fault at all, e impression I give people always send out mix signals. & I wasnt angry with u for anything that u cant make it. E.g cant meet for meals(cos of my last min schedules) cant stay overnite (I do understand why u cant & e difficulties u face) Sometimes am just too tired, but being quiet is really myself. Well, I could have done a much more better job by spending more time with u, showing u more attention & being more sensitive towards your thinking (everything). I do appreciate for having u around, u are one of e best event that come into my life.

Hope these clear up e misunderstandings. Perhaps, if I knew this problem much earlier on, we wouldnt have ended up like this. All this things did contribute to your decision, but am not asking for anything now; Just a fair judgement for this relationship..

At least u do know why I keep saying I am happy with u all along. None of my entries were written about being angry with u..

Xilei, am sorry about this mess. Will you forgive me for this things?

心只有你

The past one month I failed terribly, cos I was too rush into things, too afraid to lose u. The way things are now is mainly of my doing, sigh.. I tried to reason myself out that I had already done my best. But e fact is, that I lose u mainly because of my temper, its just too painful to accept. Hate myself for letting this happened. Somehow, am glad that I got to see u & spent some time with u. Sorry for e umpteen times I bring up e relationship cos I really dont know when will I ever have e chance to speak to u again.. Anyway, it is e last conversation about e relationship I can have with u, sigh..

& I saw no hesitation, perhaps it was already a sign; that I missed long ago. At least, u did acknowledge about u still know me; I miss calling u that.

Still, its a year agreement, keep e faith alright dear?

Meanwhile, I will get on with my life.

Quiet

It just so quiet around.
Yesterday afternoon revision was a failure, I cant seem to concentrate on whatever I was reading & ended up taking a nap. Thereafter, met up with shih for dinner, one that was long overdue & e whole conversation was about r/s again. Not about mine, but a friend of hers who got into some trouble recently. Throughout e chat, e more we talk about it, e more I think about u. Even when I was walking by e roadside, I took occasional glances at e sky.. Wondering what were u doing. Yet, I cant make any call, hai.. Cant meet up with u, cant call u after work. It pains me that u arent around anymore & e worst still; being alone, walking down e long path back home.

Hate this distance between us.

Self adjustment.

Lol, its just only e 1st day & am already struggling.

Had a change of my room's light bulbs just now when one of it went off; & e room suddenly became darker. Thereafter, a gruelling 5km run, didnt run for some time; e last time was before I went lombok? Somehow, I had a minor sprain on my left ankle when I misstepped a road reflector. Luckily, it wasnt bad, else I would have to walk for at least 3.5km -.- Had lots of random thinking during e run, some good, some bad, actually mostly bad. Well, at least I felt better after e run. Long day ahead tomorrow, lecture in e morning, followed by a whole afternoon of revision.

Its really hard learning to do nothing.

Happy times.

Perhaps, it never occured to u that I do take a look at our photos once in awhile, smiled & laughed about them. Whereas now, its a total different feeling.. I remember e last time u said "I miss u" was on 30th december morning when u woke up to get water. I guess, that wasnt a forced one on your part right? Not trying to prove anything, just that, I was very very happy to see that message then. Its just so.. Sigh.. I miss u.

ha,1st time blogging using a phone. its 3.15am in e morning, 5 cups of vodka & yet, am still in a sober state to write how i feel. Down, very down. i never expect things to end up like this, nor do i ever imagine i will once again, sit down & drink alone. Its great that i have good friends around, but that, cant replace e love i lost. In fact, both are different in e 1st place. In e quest of striking a balance between both,am often e one that is caught out. Hai, am really sorry to everyone, for being such a big disappointmet. Really dont know what to say & I just feel... very lost. Of all things, why do I have to lose u?  

ATB - My Everything.

Yooou are.....
Yooou are....
all I ever need
You're my everything
I wanna thank you, for like giving up on me
And I wanna thank you for believing what could be
This evening so.. very alive to me
I wanna thank you for never letting go
I wanna thank you for waiting in the car
I dont think you realize, how could you know?
Yooou are everything to me, like you are
Yooou are, all I ever need, you're my everything
I wanna tell you, what filled me up this time
I wanna tell you, you are always on my mind
From that the moment that I wake, to last thing at night
I wanna show you, this love is deep inside
I wanna show you, you see it in my eyes.
Obsess is changing me, do you realize?

You are my everything.

This is not what I want at all.

Welcome, sleepless nights.

Why?

Sometimes u wonder, whether e ones whom have been with u along e road, are e ones who understand u? Isnt it baffling that we often use time to deem how strong a friendship/relationship is? But deep down inside, u know that it isnt really a strong indicator?

Lol. I have been thinking hard for e past few days, about e last 5 years of my life in r/s, of what I had done, what I went thru & what did I learnt.

A bad temper which I have been curbing.
That I cant take love as e main priority in life.
I learnt that there are some barriers which u can never overcome in life no matter how determined u are to break them.
Never to be complacent.
No matter what happen, life still goes on.

Problem is, each new r/s brings a whole new perspective into your life. I thought I could use whatever I learnt from e previous ones to prevent history from repeating; but e rules change everytime. All I want, is just that everyone be happy. I always try to, but there is bound to be one party that is neglected. To make things worse, I didnt realise what I neglected & I might be losing it forever. Maybe to some of my friends, they think whatever am doing is futile while some think that it still worth a try. I understand e individual viewpoints, but havent u guys thought that its my happiness? I love her & there is one thing which I never really mentioned much, she has always been my priority; I treat her as my family. Nevermind if any of u arent happy with my decision, but at least respect it? The yearly chalet with u guys have always been an occasion I always look forward to. Without fail, I would attend e 3 days, regardless of any activities, am game for it. To all your requests, have I ever say no to anything? So, now am just making a very simple request, and thats to just only spend alittle more time with her; is that asking too much? Seriously, I can just forgo e chalet & spend e time with her? And e thing is, I know that how important this gathering is to all of us & thats why there is a need for you guys to know beforehand. Cos she is important to me, & so are u guys.

Hai.. I dont know how to express myself well most of e time, though talking crap am e best in it. Lol, I sudden thought of e 1st time we had coffee at starbucks in orchard. Life it is as it is.

Hope things turn out well..

I just..

miss u alot.