So, seems like I am e one who forsaken everything? I am tired of hearing this & that, what I hear its always different from what I see. Nothing seems convincing; I cant even see any effort being done to make me convince. I put on a last ditch effort to save whatever that I can, but.. Does a return of faith signals e end to everything? I certainly dont wish to see it happen.
Dashed.
My heart sank when I saw e message, mind just blanked out for awhile. The news that I had been secretly hoping against of, finally came. Sigh... What am I suppose to do now?
Work - Been working for e past few days, e new branch in Boon lay seems to be faring quite well. Lots of consumers, hence lots of customers. Damn busy, I wouldnt get to sit down for more than 4minutes; e crowds keep coming.
Family - a long lost cousin of mine suddenly sms me. Actually not long-lost, just that I see her only once every year/2 years; which is during Chinese new year. So, I didnt know who it was at first when she asked me to attend my grandma's birthday. Been waiting this for a long time & am very relieved that I didnt lose this part of my family.
Was having dinner with shih @ Xin wang. Haha, back to queenstown again. I was telling her about e obstacles ahead; I didnt know what to do. However, it does convince me that its really worth a try to hurl myself totally into it.
Sigh, I hope it doesnt turn out to be a false alarm.
Finally, home sweet home at 3am. Damn exhausted, was still having headache, good thing was that e fever subsided. When I woke up at 12pm, e 1st thing was to call my mum, enquired her about my grandfather's lung radiological report, she didnt say much; I saw e report at night. It wasnt really good or bad. Good in e sense, e lump that e doctors discovered initially is currently not malignant. On e downside, it might grow in size & developed into a cancerous lump. Yet nothing can be done now, not even an operation to remove it(too dangerous, cos located just inside e lung). Sigh, another 2 more months to e next checkup, am glad that he doesnt know a single thing about it & is having a better appetite now compared to e last few months. Afternoon, went over to Tanglin to pass e spoilt phones to dave, but he wasnt around. Luckily, qinqing called to ask me help her fix e computer, which I went up & ended having a long conversation with her. I find it strange that she touched on several issues that only a limited few know. Of course, I was intrigued by it at first, kept on pressing her on e source who leaked it out. Perhaps, leaked isnt e word? Well(after thought), it doesnt matter, as it has always been what I wanted to do; didnt say out cos some people might get e wrong idea. What really worries me e most, are e ones who are around me. I was told, several times, by numerous people; to be wary of people around me. Not that people cant be trusted, but I trust people too easily. Whatever thats been said out, cant be taken back; no matter how much you want to. Be clear of who's friend or foe? That's fucking hard, how am I supposed to do that? Sigh, conspiracy theories I heard alot, yet there's one that bears some truth in it. Thats... Fucking scary.
I was on a drinking binge, one bottle of Hoegarden first, followed by a bottle of chardonnay pinot noir..Then kahlua with absolute pears. Lol, I kept on rattling to my mum about my past r/s failures. Downed a few more shots of tequila & lastly, one half glass of malibu.
I hitted e pillows & got lost in e reveries, again.
Monday.
Was running a high fever, diarrhea & having migraine. Fucking shit, it was damn miserable, I had to wear a jacket e whole day & find buyers for e remaining batch of goods. Dinner was bad; my stomach was constantly in pain(might be gastric, didnt dare to eat for e whole day) On e other hand, e presence made up for e difference. After which, I nearly clinched a deal & was about to receive e money; e goods failed me. The specific china phone model cant be charged after 2mins of charging, wtf!? Great, e deal was called off. However, e buyer was nice enough to tell us that he's willing to get other models from us provided they are working fine; well placed of faith huh. So, I left Roxy & headed for e airport. Its nice to have people sending you off at e airport, but it was e 1st time I received a gift in an airport. Ha, I also gave a gift to someone else; a japanese. Ya, must be a japanese girl, Zzzz.. Is a guy alright, apparently he didnt know that there is an airport tax, hence didnt have enough ruppiah on him. Without thinking, I whipped out my envelope & passed him a 50k ruppiah bill(around 8 SGD) & he thanked me profusely. Chivalry huh? Ha.
Uncertainties.
Another relaxing day again @Taman Angrek mall. Well, not really, fucking lots of calls & sms keep coming in. Yet, I cant switch off my phone, Zzzzz.. & I brought my laptop along to use wi-fi, turned out e wi-fi in e mall is down, damn suey la. Sad, I got an overdose of chilli again, bowels keep having blood; time to abstain from spicy stuffs liao. Night is however super boring, my only way of passing time is to chiong cs every night, my only entertainment at night. Dota is out cos need to do some stupid registration which I couldnt get about. However, good things did happen, kinda funny that it occured too, ha. Time need to get serious about some stuffs liao. Dave seems to have a renew interest in Jakarta to sell e china goods & maybe used phones again.. So, I presume I will be back in Jakarta for a few more times which will lead to..
Boring day.
My left eye is still kinda swollen, e air here is really fantastic; e dust can be seen everywhere. But its been a relaxing day too, not much of work, spent most of e time at Starbucks inside a mall call Ciputra. Diao, didnt know they have wifi access there, if not I would have brought my laptop along. Plan tomorrow? Sell off e remaining goods, if not I will be flying over to Surabaya. 1hr plane ride from Jakarta on one of e domestic airlines; which have one of e worst air safety records, pray for me if I'm going.
Back to counterstrike!
If one day you realised whatever you believed in is nothing but a facade, what will you do?
Abandoned your faith?
Continue living amidst of e illusion?
Damn, I hate to reply sms when I'm already asleep. Which, am always not in a clear state of mind to reply, hence e message replied is always incompleted or implied wrongly. Best of all, sometimes I just fall back asleep before sending it out, lol. But I do appreciate e simple gestures, it lets me sleep with a smile though I dont really know whether I did smile anot, ha! Woke up this morning at 6am, cos e trip to Bandung will take at least 3 hrs, cant afford to waste time. Armed myself with a psp & a novel, so that boredom dont get to me. 10mins into e ride, I fell asleep. Because of some minor traffic,it took 4hrs instead; '1hr' is considered minor in indonesia. So, we went to BEC(Bandung Electronics Centre); ya, they dont sell bandung. Sigh, not even a single deal concluded, seems that e balls of e guys here are smaller than those in Jakarta. Cant blame them too, afterall its e first time that I see them, naturally they will doubt me & my goods. So... I went shopping! Budi brought me to a area called Dago in Bandung. Its a shopping district for clothes, mind you, branded clothes. I saw D&G, Hugo Boss, Giordano, GAP, Banana Republic, Espirit , Zara & many much more brands at prices which can knock your teeths off. Authentic? Think they are ba, cos I own a few pieces of e Zara shirts. Wahaha, got quite a no. of clothes! Was already damn tired when we got back to e car, somemore just finished dinner; sleepy mode. On e way back to Jakarta, Budi was telling me about his marriage & his religion; christianity. It was in hokkien converse, as that is e only 'language' that we communicate. Lol, funny la, after I told him a brief part of my current life, he asked me "why not get an indonesia wife?" Ha, that never crossed my mind before, which I brushed it off anyway.
Why?
Back in Jakarta again, with a heavy heart.
Been thinking about what had happen for e past 2 weeks. Mainly, it was full of disappointments & maybe, some surprises. Am too complacent, always thinking that what I do/say is always right, too right. Which I never realised, until now. All e time, I just want to do my utmost best to help out, not to compromise things nor to make them even worse. Sigh, my fault.
I wonder why this few times e one above seems to play a part in e recent events, might be coincidence huh?
Anyway, I already finished e most important part of my job; am supposed to take 1 week to sell off e goods, but I sold almost all of them within 1 day. So, am left with 5 more days to 'zhou bo'. Hence, going to Bandung tomorrow, to find somemore prospective buyers. Actually. I take it more as a form of escape. To get away from e trappings of e city, e hectic lifestyle in singapore, e burden of waking up every morning & thinking "wtf am I going to do today?" then hoping some nice things will happen(I will be greeted with a nice breakfast or anyone who went out of my life, suddenly pops out by e door & says "I'm back, got missed me?" Something like that la, I know I'm thinking too much, but it just occurs, what to do? So, e very next thing I do, is to bury my head into e pillow again. However, when I wake up this morning, something else happened.
I didnt wet e bed.
Didnt see any damn breakfast; however, provided at e lobby.
Bell didnt ring, except for e stupid room service.
& of course, I was still very much alone.
I saw e eyes looking back at me, blankly.
Fuck, it doesnt pay to be kind. Seriously, what have I done to deserve this kind of shit.
Cant I just leave this place with a peace of mind?
Confessional; without e walls.
It took me ages to come to this painful decision.
Anguish, for this distance cant be measured nor defined; perhaps justified.
I will still hold on to my faith,
I promise.
Kent Ridge park was a big letdown, I didnt manage to find any :( Shiyan!!!!! Ha. Nevermind, at least I learnt one lesson; need a car to go there next time. Siao la, think I'm addicted to apple tea again, had at least 6 bottles for e past 2 days. Anyway, had dinner with shih again, went to eat frog porridge. Damn funny la, though I had eaten there for a few times, I never ordered before or know how to order, ha! Nb, she said my face turned red, Zzzzz.. Fine, so I anyhow ordered, luckily still can finish. Sian, I got a letter from DBS's HR, asking me to apply for Financial Executive Programme, wtf? Never heard of it before, but I think quite a no. of people recieved it, though I didnt go & verify it; instinct la. I applied for it anyway, no harm what, who knows they might pick me -.- She also asked me to go for it, stating that my degree's fee might be sponsored fully by them; good incentive huh? Well, sent her home after dinner & I saw Yuki! Damn fat liao!
Very suggestive posture, hahahaha!
Lol, I knew something would happened once e door opened. Yuki rushed out & licked me! & peed on e floor; she does that almost everytime when she is excited, Zzzz.. What happened next is damn awkward, so I shall leave them out. Afterwhich I had a long chat with shih at e nearby playground. Sigh, upon seeing her tears, I become damn sian. Well, I see/hear any girls cry also sian, except for my sister ones, which is damn irritating. Maybe it will change when she grows up, ha. Sudden, it seems so clear after that particular sentence, it seems like I already know what I wanted. My feelings were drifting & it nearly 'drifted' me to a decision. Reached home at around 220am, but couldnt sleep. So, continued with my novel until I really fell asleep at 4am plus. Woke up to see a message on msn & I realised what happened prior, was just temporary. I wonder whether all this is a test of faith, if it is, stop giving me. I had enough.
Arrrr!!! I miss you alot.
From stupidity,
I was momentarily pulled back.
I dont want to make it a regret.
& it pains me so when I see e tears in your eyes.
It carries me away...
Shouldnt faith be enough?
'Perhaps faith is never enough.'
The chaotic hand of coincidence always have its way.
Spent e whole afternoon playing psp & talking to peiwen in starbucks. Ha, I wonder when will I really start work? Cash running low, Zzzz. But, divine intervention came; peiwen treated me dinner at Sushi tei! Wahahaha.. Then went over to National library, she needed to 'prove' her research & I had nothing to do, so brought my novel along. Sia la, her car. Wrong, jeep? Whatever, its damn menacing la, reminds me of e army's land rover. How can a lady own this kind of car? Doesnt suit e petite image leh :p Well, e novel was starting to play tricks on my mind; I was sleepy then. But it had already kick-start e thoughts. Throughout e journey, I wasnt concentrating on what peiwen was saying, was miles away. Even till now, I still feel a sense of loss; which is totally indescribable.
But it wasnt a mere coincidence right? Hmm..
I dont want to see you sad.
More than often, I have to weigh e choices.
Guess that silence is e current best option.
Maybe not. 1115pm.
Weee~~ having my black russian now.
Lol, my search was futile today. Well, not totally. First stop was at Fort canning hill, my old haunt. Diao, for e first time, I only managed to find afew, is it because of e season? I didnt know it has a season lo, or someone came before me? So, using my K3, I 'yahooed' & found e next best location at Mount Faber. Fucking shit, its a scam! To trick people into walking up e hill. Am grateful for e training I had in Taiwan when I was in SISPEC, have to walk up & down looking for them, Zzzz. In e website, it stated that there are 183 trees planted there, pui. It was going to 6pm, so I decided to call it off & took another road down e hill. Damn low morale lo, I was wondering where e fuck could those trees be, 183 of them leh, how can I possibly miss them! Especially when I need them e most! Then something caught my eye.Wahahaha! I found them near a drain! But most of them are inside a residential compound, gan. Hence, I tried to seek permission to go in, but no one was around, again gan. So I did something stupid, heh. I pulled out e newspaper from my bag, took one page out & wrote down a message to e owner; requesting for permission & stating my reason. Ha, so far no response from my mobile phone; which idiot will allow a stranger anyway? Guess that e next stop is Kent ridge park later, I hope your words are true shiyan!
Met up with shih shih for dinner just now, went over lau pat sat to have bbq stingray! For e whole night, she was telling me about her r/s problems, lol. Dont know what to say about her, still naive? Ha, me too. So, from lau pat sat, we walked till One Fullerton's waterfront & had e rest of our conversation there. I still remember having caramel latte at e starbucks, not bad for someone who never really knew what I like to drink, ha. Still, it was a memorable one. Back to e conversation, I realised that I wasnt concentrating on what shih was talking; was thinking of you. Then I told shih, "if you think of him, just give him a call or sms saying that you do miss him", which I resisted doing so. However, after 10mins, I reached out for e phone in my pocket & sent something else instead. Fuck la, I didnt know there is a underground tunnel linking Fullerton hotel to One Fullerton; made me lose a bet. Pui.
Back at home.
Finally, everything in my room is in place. Some sneak previews.
Gloomy Bears!
My nice sofa bed! Which double as my computer chair too :p
Ha. One more ice wine, hmm...
For e whole day, I have been searching for a viable solution.
But I didnt manage to get any.
Anguish, heartache. Its been a long while since I last experienced them.
I cant sleep.
I just want to run
Just want to hide away
Close my eyes to your gaze
Just want to leave
Don’t want to hear them say
“You’re no good at this”
When the world swirls with naysayers
Broken wings and torn pages
The road ahead
Drowning in my tears
Break me open
Tear me down
Into pieces
Broken crumbs
On the ground
You can mould and shape me
In your image
Breathe your life
You know I need it
Scars make us stronger for life
Losing myself
Gaining it back again
Forging strength from weakness
All that I am
All that I’m meant to be
Melting in your hand
Let the world swirl with naysayers
Pickled hearts and sour faces
What is real is what I cannot see
Cut away
All within me
That won’t bear fruit
Cut away
All within me
Scars make us stronger for life
Saw a serviced apartment along Orange Grove road today, looked damn nice from e outside; I wonder how does it looks inside? The price? Needless to say, sure damn expensive. Heh, that should be my dream house.
Great, I finally did it, happy? No. Did I have a choice? Yes, but not decided by me. Hence, no. Somehow, I regretted for saying it out.
I will change. Time will tell.
Just finished watching 50 dates, starring adam sandler & drew barrymore. Quite a hilarious one with rob schneider around, a few scenes were quite touching too. Drew barrymore played as a lady who was involved in a car accident & somehow loses e ability of retaining short term memory. So, adam sandler had to make her fall in love with him everyday with different scenario & tactics. Its damn tiring, but I guess that e willingness to try & being patience plays a big part. Ha.
For e whole night, I kept rummaging my mind for an answer. & one of e things you told me kept on repeating in my mind, I also wished for that to happen too.
& thats why e promises are in place.
Had my 1st run in woodlands yesterday night with beng. Didnt know that idiot brought his ipod along, if not I would have brought mine. Most of e time, I think alot while running or swimming, cos e state of mind is clear to analyse things, to make judegment & also to keep me occupied while am doing long distance. So, my mind was left to wander....
Trust, a very strong word, which we often use in our relationship. Be it with friends or love ones, its one of e basic block of any relationship, without it, one cant further much. I was wondering, along e 23yr course of my life, how many 'trust' of mine had turned into mistrust. Not much, maybe less than a handful. One has more or less been banished from my life, e rest are just minor issues. Maybe not? How often do we know that person is lying anot? Based on trust? Ha. Based on instinct? That, I have to fall back on trust again. Is it why when a person cant be trusted, e relationship starts to break down? Thats really disheartening, yet it happens to everyone of us. I was told to judge people more carefully, to peer inside their thoughts, e latter which I oftenly do. To my dismay, I often get to know what I dont wish to know. Someone told me I used to make good judgement & it all depends on whether I wan anot. Ha, thanks for being my critic.
In e end, I have to trust what I trust right?
Sigh, an april's fool prank went terribly wrong. I didnt mean to hurt your feelings, just purely a prank on you. Am now having e cold shoulder treatment, shrugs~ I'm really sorry...
Bad day. No more jokes on april's fool again.
