Sick.

I was damn sick yesterday, flu & fever came in together. Water kept on flowing out of my nose, phlgem stuck in e throat, my ears blocked & a neverending migraine. Then I still had to continue with my mapping stuff for e ongoing exercise, a 20min task became an 1hr work, just couldnt concentrate. Finally, I went to take a nap at around 10pm, totally knocked out till 8am today. Lol, I didnt finish my part for e presentation & officer had to present whatever I had done. Anyway, e medicine given by e MO didnt help much, only e mucus stopped flowing & my temperature hitted 38.8 during e night. Even till now, am still very giddy & e body temperature keep on fluctuating. Worse still, my whole body is aching & I cant concentrate fully; nearly fell down e stairs twice today. Fuck la, I cant eat anything that is solid now, even swallowing e tablets hurt my throat, Zzzz..

Anyone cook for me? Haha..

38.

38 degrees... my head is bursting soon!

Words.

Dave's company is getting bigger, can see from e no. of staffs that has been slowly increasing for e past 1 year. Some came & go, while e old group still stays & I wonder why am I still around. Anyway, e usual stuffs except this time round most of got $100 bonus whereas siqi, ken & dave have to fork $1k each for an unaccounted transaction. Sigh, one is never good enough for others no matter how much you have done for them, just one silly mistake or even a misunderstanding can make one labelled as a bastard. Everyone have their own way of doing things, one may think that 'I always think of e interest of others' but does it translate that way to others? Some people think that you are doing for your own interest while some take advantage of it, but e most disheartening one will be those that dont appreciate it yet say things behind your bad. Sigh, so one cant expect anything from others. I guess that I understood how dave felt yesterday night, its e same problem we both have, trying to get our 5cent worth of words into those we care. Actually, I do know that e other party knows what's wrong & what I will say may hurt their feelings(self-esteem) & cause misunderstanding, yet e stubborn part of me just want to get e message across. Of course, it just my opinion & I never take it I'm always right, however I always give e wrong impression... Zzzz... Anyway, it didnt end up in a happy note; neutral should be e best word to describe ba. Sigh.. Its a heavy responsibility to be e one at e top to take care of so many under you & with so many tongues wagging, there is always so much de-conflict to do. I wonder what will happen when I'm back in e company.

Maybe all along its just been a gift for me to let go of her. Yet, it just served to make me more miserable & my resolve dwindles with its ambivalence.

Celebrations!

Friday night

Went to kushinbow to celebrate jingui's 24th birthday, e oldest among my secondary lo, ha. Somehow it reminded me of my 21st birthday, especially e night before it when we making e cake then. The food was nice as usual, I kept wacking on unagi; didnt have lunch on that day, muahahaha.. Ate until damn full that we had to rest for about 30mins before moving off. Then we watched 'Rainbow 4' , typical senseless killing, good for those who just want action; senseless action. Initially, they wanted to watch 'The house' , but I cant watch horror... Anyway, I chanced upon some gloomy bears at a toy shop, rarity in SG nowadays. I remembered that I paid $100 for a particular black one last time, in e heat of passion (^.-) Still, I nearly wanted to snap all of them, only $29 each nia. Thereafter, went down to Central with siqi to find his friend. I wasnt suppose to drink cos had diarrhea after e dinner, but I still drank most of it; siqi had to keep himself sober to achieve.. Greater things? & I did some silly stuffs.

The next day.
Woke up at 11am, doodled in front of e laptop & went back to sleep again. Awaken by a single sms at 2pm; accompany siqi to go cut hair. Ended up complaining e whole night, cos I brought him to e saloon that I used to frequent before NS. Then went over to Zara to get his CNY clothes; I ended up with 2 pcs & him, nothing, Zzzz.. Dinner was at 'Moon & Sun' or 'Sun & Moon' , located on e 3rd floor of Wheelock place. It was a farewell dinner for nicholas & shiyan, cos e 2 idiots flying off to Australia for good, hahaha. Alright, 1st glance, e restaurant looks quite classy, for e chic & those feeling rich. We were ushered into e private room & it was really private till e extend that no one came to serve us; we had to go out of e room to ask for service. The food didnt justify e price & I will rather go for Sushi tei. Still, thanks for e treat shiyan! Then, me & siqi rushed down to Arena for some stupid NUS bash, $15 wasted, thanks to marcus. We left for Zouk at 11pm & had long island tea; I finished one in 15mins! Okie la, didnt really count e time, just that e content wasnt as potent as usual, so managed to down it faster. Jieqi came in at 1am, denied entry to Phuture cos full house, so got Zouk tickets instead. I tried to hiong her in once, unsuccessful. 2nd try by siqi wielded e same result, but I dont know how, they managed to buy a phuture ticket, lol.. Nothing interesting happened except for our dear siqi again, haha..

Need to go work le..

Flashbacks.

Fuck, some past memories crept into my mind while I was doing my biathlon training at noon. First, it was e morning wake up; am always scared awake by dripping water, its real water dripping on e face leh. Lol, turned out that she used to give me a morning kiss before she goes to work & her hair wasnt totally dried, hence e water on my face. Next was what ar? Let me think.. Ah! e 1st trip to prata shop, this pops up once in awhile, nabei.. Maybe it was e 1st pic I took of her, though not much of a significance now, lol. Most of e time I was thinking about e few unforgettable moments that happened during e past 3 months & I ended up swimming 30laps; mind over body huh?

Ha. Maybe they were just only moments of happiness.

Endureth till e end.

A bad point without being acknowledged can turned into a good one if & only if one speaks with confidence that can sway opinions & convince e crowd. Today's group discussion after the exercise planning somehow 'implanted' a new factor in communication. My boss, who is e Intelligence officer says that Intel people always talk cock, so.. How does he get e message across e board? One must learn how to sell e talk, not walk e talk. Sell it, to convince others. Leave no space for doubt, which can be done with confidence, though facts are still needed to support e cause. However, one can still play around e facts, manipulate it with abit of creativity, while not too far fetch, so that people wouldnt dare to question e credibility. Ah.... I found out one of e problems I have in conversation. Engaging has never been one. Its holding, that has always been e problem. Actually, I didnt want to write these down, wanted to write something else instead. Again, its inappropriate, cos will lead to misunderstandings. Write blog also kena scrutinise by others, kinda sad huh? But its alright, afterall e purpose of this blog is to let me know what I have done all this while & how I felt on e days I wrote.

To look back at memories.
Laugh at my follies.
To remind myself of e wrongs,
to right them &
to make sure history doesnt repeat itself again.

Well.. My feelings? I miss you.

Burnt.

... I realised I have 2 wisdom tooth in my upper jaw after seeing e x-ray result. Bad news, e dentist said its a must to remove both of them, Zzzzz.. I hate surgery! The bill totalled to about $650, but fully subsidise by SAF, one of e rare good things about e organisation, ha. Hmm, e savings wasnt entire. Saw 2 mails on my table when I went home to have a change of clothes; last month singtel bill & my poly diploma loan payment. I made 2 records for myself, for e 1st time(& hopefully e last time) my phone bill hit 3 digits(after decimal, dont be a moron), somemore it starts with a 2; $280, my god! But.. I wouldnt elaborate on that. Next, my poly payment, they charge me around $100 on interest on my default payments, nabei. That time I was too lazy to change my account under a signature, hence, didnt pay on time for half a year? Heh. No choice, shall take them as my wisdom tooth extraction fees then. Sigh, think I hurted someone alot yesterday night, one whom I cherish alot. I ... think any further explanations also no use ba..

Please let e night pass faster..

2nd night.

Great, 2nd night of containment. Zzzz, I forget what I want to write again. MAPS!! Been looking at maps for e past 2 days, damn lots of terrain to cover! Mentally drained; though not entirely contributed by this. 2 things that I have been doing e past 2 days without fail ---> Fall asleep, just give me 30sec of idling, regardless of any place, any time & any position, my eyes will close on you. 2nd one is a newly evolved skill from e former, I can be oblivious to e surroundings & be miles away thinking of; even when its a major speaking right in front of me :)
Sia la, I just thought of almond longan, just ate it on sunday. Think e last time I had it, was made by you. Yeah, going hospital for dental x-ray tomorrow morning, but still have to return back to camp after it, Zzzzz... Its going to be another long quiet night again..

Its too hard not to think.

Thoughts.

Live by faith, not by sight.
Cherish it.
I hope its in safe hands.

Changes.

It just lingers on.
& I'm getting tire of it.
Yet, I cant get out.
Containment starting soon.
Can someone do something about it?
Arrrr.....

Option paralysis.

There can be tonnes of things going thru my mind at one moment but whenever I try to write it down or say it out, most of it just go 'poof' , especially e important ones. This is damn fuck up.

And it isnt getting any better.

So it came. Descente.

Knew this will happen one day, but not with such heart wrenching results.
Really sorry to those I inflicted hurt on & to others for all e troubles that I created while I was pursuing my interest. I know that I have fuck things up, rest assured it wouldnt happened again. Words dont suffice & I finally understand; the hardest lesson is to learn to do nothing.

For now.

Let me have e silence & leave me be.

You are an idiot.

Been very miserable for e past few days.
I had been pondering what to do about it; to totally back off or to stay on? Just because of this stupid question, I ended up not sleeping on friday & went for guard duty e following morning on a zombie mode. But it gave me alot of time to think & I came out with a conclusion.

Fuck e conclusion. Do you think I really really want it? I just dont want you to be pressurise from all sides, want you to be happy, smiling all times. It took me alot of courage to force those words out of mouth. The walk from holland v to commonwealth was a damn long one, I was crying & texting all e way. That msg was e final blow, it really excruciated me. All along I was waiting an answer from you. Hints did come, but it has never pointed at my direction, so how e hell am I suppose to do know what to do? Dont you think its too late to tell me now? When I could have really done something about it? I admit I am damn stupid not to realise it, I really dont know alright! If I assume, means I think too much & now I'm fucked cos I didnt.

And what am I supposed to do now? Perhaps it still not to late to do anything..

..

I really dont know why you wouldnt say it that time. Fucking why?

...

I miss you badly...

Past few days

Time pass damn slow for this past few days.
Sunday was e best, got recalled back for guard duty cos I was supposed to be e guard commander. Apparently, my name was on a separate guard duty forecast which nobody was aware of; e planner didnt send e attachment to my email, Zzzzz... I had to rush down in a cab & ended up with a fare of $11, increment of $2 o.O sad. Sigh, how am I suppose to suppress it; when its getting stronger each day..
Monday couldnt be worse, after a month long absence of exercise & excessive drinking, I was thrust into a biathlon training; 5 sets of swimming(4x laps) + run (800m). Damn tiring la, but its good cos I thought I gained weight during e holidays; turned out that I lost 1kg, e weighing machine cocked up ba. Another bad news, my branch found out that I havent clear my ippt window for e 2nd work year & I have to pass it before I ord. Fuck la, I can only do 3 pull up now... The night was abit screwed, hence I decided to take a walk. Took a train to Clarke quay & walked along e same old path to Zouk. Guess it didnt help, cos it reminded me of that night. Not that its bad, but my main purpose was to clear my thoughts, to have a clear mind. So, I snapped a picture & did something stupid again.
Back at home, my mum was telling me that her one of her aunt visited her, e latter knows how to read into a person's future just by a look at him/her. Well, I dont usually believe in those stuffs, but no harm listening right? Somehow I must admit, most of what she said are quite true & bear in mind that, I wasnt around when she spoke to my mum about it? My mum related to me about all e aspect in my life but I laughed when it came to e r/s part. She told my mum that I will meet my wife within this 2 years, LOL... We shall see huh?
Today morning.
Woke up very seh, went to camp at 6am. Kept having migraine, finally popped a pill down & I felt damn dizzy onwards. Arrr, I have biathlon training tommorow morning & my sunburnt wounds havent heal yet, great..
& my hopes for tonight just got dashed. Sigh..

tire.

No mood to write anything, too tire too. I go sleep le..

...

Fuck.. I cant do it.

Distance.

Late again.. For movies
Watched AVP2 in Cineleisure with beng & chang yesterday afternoon, no comments for e show. Evening,went over to Vivocity shopping with my brother & his gf, but there wasnt anything I want :( except for e heels! Then, went back to Cineleisure again to meet up shih shih for dinner, followed by a chat @ starbucks. Its always nice talking to her, though this time round she's e one giving me sound advice & I'm heeding it? Ha. Anyway, it is my 1st time seeing her with makeup & wearing bareback somemore O.o finally know how to dress up nicely liao, muahahaha.

Around 10pm, met up with james, marcus, crystal & joanna. I was drinking ginger el all e while & none knew about it except marcus, lol. Somehow, just wasnt in e mood to drink until e long island tea came; partly cos my stomach was in pain(must be e dairy products again). Everything was fine until we were at e 'colorful' bridge which was around 4am; I broke down. Its been a long while that I last cried so hard, with my whole heart out. Really hate myself for that decision, am really sorry joyce. Forgive me.

I mentioned my only resolution last night.
However, it seems irrelevant now.
Distance. It just started.

Check check.

Time flies damn fast. Today is my last day of 'holiday', been on leave for nearly 1 month & it feels like just one week? & I finally went to collect my poly cert, to realise that I didnt bring any identification when I reached e examination office, Zzzzz. Ya, so much things happened during this period. Some significant ones; I realised I have moved on & alot of things could have been done if I had let go earlier. But its someone that made me let go, cos knowing myself too well, I wouldnt be able to do it alone.

• I'm seriously bad in my financial mangement; my capital is running dangerously low & I didnt keep my spending in check.
• This year is going to get tough if I get into university, expenses going up exponentially!
• I need to source for efficient, streetsmart & trusthworthy partners to get my deals going; to expand network!
• I have fallen in love.

I know e last one is a big surprise to almost everyone, including myself. How it happened, I also dont how to explain cos I also dont know how it really came about. Most important thing is, I'm glad to have met you, though it seems that I disrupted alot of peace along e way. Still, I dont know how to convey my words correctly at e right time, & its damn hard to get some things out of e mouth when I'm right in front of you, arrr.. Yet, I felt that you understand? Ha. You decide.

2nd day of new year & it sucks.

Slept damn early last night, think before 1am ba. Guess that e past one week late nights has taken a toll on my body. But I woke up at 9am, sent a msg then fell asleep again. Woke up at 12pm to wake people up & 5mins later saw a msg from xiaoyi that made my day ' Got guard duty today, draw arms at 430pm' , WTF... I'm having off this whole week, still in my holiday mood lo, nb. This is definitely a good start for e year :) For once, give me a very good news can? arrrr....

1st day of 2008.

Yesterday night was fucked up. I think my feelings were at e best during meals only, had nice chicken rice somewhere at bedok with shiyan & kaira for lunch. Followed by dinner at Sushi tei with beng, yongchang, jingui, peishan, alan, kenjia & siqi, thanks for coming guys; am very sorry cos I snapped at some point. I was in a damn bad mood & long island tea at Balcony didnt help much too. However, reminiscing our school days past did cheer me up alittle, reminds me of e stupid things we did in secondary school. One or two names did pop out again & it did make me feel quite sian for awhile; just awhile. My cousin joined me at around 10pm & I was already planning to go home. Then I accompanied her to Chijmes to meet her friend for barely 5mins? Zzzzz... Next stop was to go home & drink until next morning, but I still went over nicholas's place for drinking. Saw fireworks when I passed by Boat quay in e cab & I immediately thought of you. Wrong, I was thinking of you all e while & that was e last straw; I wanted to see you badly. Drank finished e baileys & barcardi when we reached. Mei, you are a damn lousy drinker, ha. Anyway, I have my 1st major loss of e year, around $60 blown on poker & blackjack. Back home, I still have to take care of my cousin who was knocked out in e 1st place, luckily she became sober abit after bathing. I couldnt sleep, was idling in my room until e last msg which was around 550am? & I woke up at 9am; my mind is just too occupied.

So much for everything, so much for nothing.
I still choose to wait.