Quiet

It just so quiet around.
Yesterday afternoon revision was a failure, I cant seem to concentrate on whatever I was reading & ended up taking a nap. Thereafter, met up with shih for dinner, one that was long overdue & e whole conversation was about r/s again. Not about mine, but a friend of hers who got into some trouble recently. Throughout e chat, e more we talk about it, e more I think about u. Even when I was walking by e roadside, I took occasional glances at e sky.. Wondering what were u doing. Yet, I cant make any call, hai.. Cant meet up with u, cant call u after work. It pains me that u arent around anymore & e worst still; being alone, walking down e long path back home.

Hate this distance between us.

Self adjustment.

Lol, its just only e 1st day & am already struggling.

Had a change of my room's light bulbs just now when one of it went off; & e room suddenly became darker. Thereafter, a gruelling 5km run, didnt run for some time; e last time was before I went lombok? Somehow, I had a minor sprain on my left ankle when I misstepped a road reflector. Luckily, it wasnt bad, else I would have to walk for at least 3.5km -.- Had lots of random thinking during e run, some good, some bad, actually mostly bad. Well, at least I felt better after e run. Long day ahead tomorrow, lecture in e morning, followed by a whole afternoon of revision.

Its really hard learning to do nothing.

Happy times.

Perhaps, it never occured to u that I do take a look at our photos once in awhile, smiled & laughed about them. Whereas now, its a total different feeling.. I remember e last time u said "I miss u" was on 30th december morning when u woke up to get water. I guess, that wasnt a forced one on your part right? Not trying to prove anything, just that, I was very very happy to see that message then. Its just so.. Sigh.. I miss u.

ha,1st time blogging using a phone. its 3.15am in e morning, 5 cups of vodka & yet, am still in a sober state to write how i feel. Down, very down. i never expect things to end up like this, nor do i ever imagine i will once again, sit down & drink alone. Its great that i have good friends around, but that, cant replace e love i lost. In fact, both are different in e 1st place. In e quest of striking a balance between both,am often e one that is caught out. Hai, am really sorry to everyone, for being such a big disappointmet. Really dont know what to say & I just feel... very lost. Of all things, why do I have to lose u?  

ATB - My Everything.

Yooou are.....
Yooou are....
all I ever need
You're my everything
I wanna thank you, for like giving up on me
And I wanna thank you for believing what could be
This evening so.. very alive to me
I wanna thank you for never letting go
I wanna thank you for waiting in the car
I dont think you realize, how could you know?
Yooou are everything to me, like you are
Yooou are, all I ever need, you're my everything
I wanna tell you, what filled me up this time
I wanna tell you, you are always on my mind
From that the moment that I wake, to last thing at night
I wanna show you, this love is deep inside
I wanna show you, you see it in my eyes.
Obsess is changing me, do you realize?

You are my everything.

This is not what I want at all.

Welcome, sleepless nights.

Why?

Sometimes u wonder, whether e ones whom have been with u along e road, are e ones who understand u? Isnt it baffling that we often use time to deem how strong a friendship/relationship is? But deep down inside, u know that it isnt really a strong indicator?

Lol. I have been thinking hard for e past few days, about e last 5 years of my life in r/s, of what I had done, what I went thru & what did I learnt.

A bad temper which I have been curbing.
That I cant take love as e main priority in life.
I learnt that there are some barriers which u can never overcome in life no matter how determined u are to break them.
Never to be complacent.
No matter what happen, life still goes on.

Problem is, each new r/s brings a whole new perspective into your life. I thought I could use whatever I learnt from e previous ones to prevent history from repeating; but e rules change everytime. All I want, is just that everyone be happy. I always try to, but there is bound to be one party that is neglected. To make things worse, I didnt realise what I neglected & I might be losing it forever. Maybe to some of my friends, they think whatever am doing is futile while some think that it still worth a try. I understand e individual viewpoints, but havent u guys thought that its my happiness? I love her & there is one thing which I never really mentioned much, she has always been my priority; I treat her as my family. Nevermind if any of u arent happy with my decision, but at least respect it? The yearly chalet with u guys have always been an occasion I always look forward to. Without fail, I would attend e 3 days, regardless of any activities, am game for it. To all your requests, have I ever say no to anything? So, now am just making a very simple request, and thats to just only spend alittle more time with her; is that asking too much? Seriously, I can just forgo e chalet & spend e time with her? And e thing is, I know that how important this gathering is to all of us & thats why there is a need for you guys to know beforehand. Cos she is important to me, & so are u guys.

Hai.. I dont know how to express myself well most of e time, though talking crap am e best in it. Lol, I sudden thought of e 1st time we had coffee at starbucks in orchard. Life it is as it is.

Hope things turn out well..

I just..

miss u alot.