Past & Present.

For each forgotten kiss, for all e memories
For all e times a look, said all we had to say
You played yr part so well, a modern romeo
You came on cupid's wings & then den you flew away ...
When u touch my face, when u call my name
I burn with desire.

For every sleepless night, forever in yr arms
For every hr spent, lost in e reverie
You broke yr promises, no shame and no regret
You burn e bridges too, an endless mystery.

The past & e present. Am glad that I saw you last night, ha.
Happy new year everyone ~

Merry merry xmas!

X'mas came & went.

Well, compared to last year, this year is a slightly better one; not that last year was bad; last year had to cook ma, this year dont need, wahaha.. Schedule was damn tight, I was rushing everywhere, lol.. First, lunch was with shiyan at Hongkong Cafe in Cineleisure & I was late for more than a hour; forgot to iron my shirt. Still, I took a cab down & realised that e new revised cab fare is damn fucking expensive. Well, I got e lunch free :) Then I was left alone in orchard looking for an ideal christmas present. I didnt know buying christmas present can be such a headache, luckily e search ended in Kinokuniya. Actually I wanted to go there get some books for myself, but an idea struck me when I was at e philosophy section "Wa, this book sure ideal", but I didnt get that book. Cos on e way to e cashier, I saw another book on "Murphy's Law", haa.. This became e present. Had a steamboat dinner with e secondary gang minus joel(on sacred duty) & siqi (working), else everyone was around. Everything was LAST minute, very 'gey cua', I bet beng will have comments on this again. Well, did went well in e end & we had our nice dinner in beng's house. Left at 830pm, again in a rush to meet e next group of friends. Had dinner at Waraku restaurant, opposite Clarke quay. Hehe, best thing was that e tab wasnt on me! Then followed by countdown & I was supposed to join another group in holland village at 1am, but shiyan & kaira already left. Hence, I presumed everyone was going off, so didnt went over, then eddy called me at 2am saying that they were still there; I was already home, Zzzzz..

Anyway, I enjoyed myself this christmas! Though it didnt really turn out e way I want it to be, it will still be one that I will remember fondly, ti amo.

Great.

Am having a big headache now..
I'm missing you badly..

Days.

Not been my usual self for e past few days.

Thursday & friday were unusually quiet, I was on offline mode all e while, staying at home, learning to do nothing until friday evening. I had to collect some phones on my friend behalf, christmas presents ya? & I wanted to see her badly, so went to help her to get a log cake but I went home straight right after passing her; stupid right? I have wanted to take this 2 days to reflect upon myself, to ask myself what I have done, what I really want & what can be done without doing anything. My mind was definitely drifting, towards one spot & e only conclusion I have after 1.5 days of pondering: Just follow my heart? I'm giving all out.

Come saturday. It was a busy day, morning out to Carrefour with shiyan & kaira to get e food stuffs & liquers. Found out one thing, Carrefour stuffs is damn expensive, get from Seng siong instead! Ha. By e time we reached shiyan house, already 3pm le. So, I quickly started to prepare e stingrays 1st, followed by e chicken thighs while kaira prepare e garlic & did e steak(dont know using what korean/jap seasoning). Setting up e pit was a breeze & e bbq started! Fuck, it started to rain after 15mins & we had to hold several umbrella to cook e food. At some point, I was holding e umbrella with one hand & cooking e food with another, sounds fun huh? Wait till you guys try it. Texas poker followed up, I didnt play e 1st few rounds, cos I will upset e odds? LOL. Eventually, I did play & pocketed $54! Shiyan must be still feeling e pain, cos he as e organiser, forked out $ for all e food & on top of that, lose $100++ Well, e drinks were good, finished a red, gin & whisky but we didnt manage to open e whites, damn it. Glad that everything went well except for e rain. Got a pleasant sight in e end which made me very happy, thanks for it. & I think I said alot of stupid things. However, no one realised something was missing, sigh..

My faith.

I thought I lost them for good.
Saw them, lying on a stack of magazine when I reached home this morning.

3am wednesday morning. Was drinking with szehui at home, damn moody that night, prior to her, shiyan & kaira came over to drink with me too; cos I didnt want to go out, sorry. I started throwing e rings out of frustration, but on what I dont know, next thing I know I was rushing out of house to book in. I did try to look for them; half hearted & I thought to myself "one day dont wear wouldnt die one". Back in camp, I overslept & my superior had to give me a wake up call. I quickly changed into my no. 4 & was on my way to office & I heard, " Charlie, why are you in no. 4? We need to clock our swim timing!" Zzzz, I was having a severe headache from e half bottle of gin, yet I couldnt tell my officer that I drank till 5am before I book in. In e pool, feelings was great when I entered e pool, e coldness sort of take out e headache for awhile. It sucks, e headache was growing intense as I swam, I nearly puke out on e 6th or 7th lap. Lots of things were going through my mind, but come to think of it, I dont know what they are now, ha.

Night was jason's ROM bbq. Funny thing was, I actually made plans for that night a week back. Alot of things happened this past few days, so I was contemplating to attend it. Finally, I decided; I will reach there earlier, congrat him & slip off before e others arrived. Still, I couldnt find e rings. Ahh... Perhaps, divine intervention? ? My heart overruled me, I was wasting time at home. However, I still reached earlier, siqi, fang & my brother reached 2mins after me, too much of a coincidence? I tried to give them(her) a surprise, but I think it was kinda stupid of me to did that cos it didnt seem to achieve anything. Initially I told dave that I wouldnt be there when they reached; actually I just want to avoid e whole group of them cos he will definitely have some sort of meeting. In e end, I stayed & e hearing sessions begin. Somehow I wasnt that bothered about e things between me & zhiyi, for one, he's totally soundproof, none can get words into his mind, he's just literally in his own world. Both dave & ken were quite irritated; they were trying to talk sense into him, but he kept saying that there is nothing to say, fuck stubborn. Luckily, in e end, some of it did get into his brain. At a distance, I sense disturbance, saw you like quite sian? Which then, I tried to do some assurance but think it backfired.

Well, then dave & me had a one-to-one session, I finally broke my silence & told him about my future plans & my wavering interest in this company. Whether he understands anot, doesnt matter, cos I didnt understand what I was saying at some point, my mind was somewhere else. He said e usual stuff; dont ask what e company can do for you, but what you can do for e company. He just dont get it, I already lose interest in this whole thing & e only way to bring it back, is to re-ignite e lost spark in me. Forever in different wavelengths, sigh...


Alright, e next one is funny. He talked to me about micheal relationship; e latter is going to ROM this coming february. Problem is he feels that micheal's girlfriend is not suitable for him. Reason being, she is eccentric, this one I agree. Next, she dont love him, just having him for company, this one I have not much of comments cos I dont really know or get to see what happened; Dave knew it cos he seen e sms exchange between e 2 of them & apparently, his girlfriend also sent him sms too. Anyway, I see his point, its just like me trying to tell siqi not to be with stella? He wants me to have a good talk with micheal, cos more opinion would make him think twice about his marriage. Of course, if he's happy with her, I will also be happy for him. Still, I had a casual chat with micheal & he seems quite satisfied o.O whatever. After which, jason came over to talk to me, with regards to my relationship, ha.. Then, I received a startling message & it made me damn sad. I started to wander around e chalet compound aimlessly, mind was a complete blank. On e way back home, I was worried about what she has been thinking; that she is e source of trouble, which is actually NOT. And I had a talk with my brother when we reached home, seems that dave went to tell others what that wasnt suppose, when I wasnt around! Cos of that, I only managed to knock myself out at 9am & e whole of today has been spent on sleeping. After all of this, I just dont feel like going out & I finally realised, home is actually e best sanctuary one can ever have.

Some idiots just dont realise their stupidity, e hurt they unwittingly inflict to others when they hurt themselves. How their love ones care more about them than they care about themselves. They are still on e table & I have found e reason to remain it this way; you.

The hardest lesson is learning when to do nothing.

530pm, I just woke up.
I was hitted by 2 bad news this morning.

I thought my grandfather's condition has already stabilised, but after a talk with e doctor, it proved otherwise. Seems that his condition can never improve nor it is stable, e medicines are only there to prevent it from becoming worse, prolonging his life. & e worse thing is, he may leave us anytime; if there is a relapse, which is highly probable. Fuckup thing is, my relatives doesnt seem to bother much about his health too, as in no one really wants to make a trip down to accompany him for e visit, to know more about his condition from e doctor. I know they do care about him, but e actions just proved otherwise? Sigh.. Its just so scary to know that your love one is going to leave you any moment, yet you just cant do anything about it. All I can do, is to accompany him to e hospital at all times, I dont know how long more he can still be around...

The 2nd news actually came earlier. I was flabbergasted when I read e message & it got worse lines after lines. To think that she actually did listen to what I said & kept it in mind assured me for a moment, but to use it as e basis of her decision, thats 'nothing to say', speechless, though I did reply back. I didnt see it coming, definitely not before christmas; things never go your way huh? I held on, even when I knew of my grandfather's condition. Until when I was on e way to Ikea, my mind started crumbling down & at e corner of my eyes, tears formed. I couldnt control e feelings that was overwhelming me, both news affected me badly & happened within such a short span. Luckily, it stopped when I stepped into e building & I plugged in my ipod, playing trance all e way. I went home after getting e 12 glasses for this weekend party & a small stool for my sister use. Bed was e 1st priority, but I noticed something amiss in my wardrobe, hmm.. Fell asleep at around 250pm & woke up with a bigger headache; to be writing this entry now. Having a small chocolate log cake; yes, I hate chocolate, but still need to fill stomach what, Chocolate fudge on top with chocolate mint inside, looks more like a hit with e ladies, anyway thanks to e idiot who brought it from Coffee club. Somehow, my mind is a complete blank, I arent thinking right nor in e mood to think of anything.
Only one thing is occupying my mind now.
You.

Bang walls.

Great, I fuck e wall again.
Why has it be always at e wrong time? Sigh, I should had kept quiet....