ha,1st time blogging using a phone. its 3.15am in e morning, 5 cups of vodka & yet, am still in a sober state to write how i feel. Down, very down. i never expect things to end up like this, nor do i ever imagine i will once again, sit down & drink alone. Its great that i have good friends around, but that, cant replace e love i lost. In fact, both are different in e 1st place. In e quest of striking a balance between both,am often e one that is caught out. Hai, am really sorry to everyone, for being such a big disappointmet. Really dont know what to say & I just feel... very lost. Of all things, why do I have to lose u?  

ATB - My Everything.

Yooou are.....
Yooou are....
all I ever need
You're my everything
I wanna thank you, for like giving up on me
And I wanna thank you for believing what could be
This evening so.. very alive to me
I wanna thank you for never letting go
I wanna thank you for waiting in the car
I dont think you realize, how could you know?
Yooou are everything to me, like you are
Yooou are, all I ever need, you're my everything
I wanna tell you, what filled me up this time
I wanna tell you, you are always on my mind
From that the moment that I wake, to last thing at night
I wanna show you, this love is deep inside
I wanna show you, you see it in my eyes.
Obsess is changing me, do you realize?

You are my everything.

This is not what I want at all.

Welcome, sleepless nights.

Why?

Sometimes u wonder, whether e ones whom have been with u along e road, are e ones who understand u? Isnt it baffling that we often use time to deem how strong a friendship/relationship is? But deep down inside, u know that it isnt really a strong indicator?

Lol. I have been thinking hard for e past few days, about e last 5 years of my life in r/s, of what I had done, what I went thru & what did I learnt.

A bad temper which I have been curbing.
That I cant take love as e main priority in life.
I learnt that there are some barriers which u can never overcome in life no matter how determined u are to break them.
Never to be complacent.
No matter what happen, life still goes on.

Problem is, each new r/s brings a whole new perspective into your life. I thought I could use whatever I learnt from e previous ones to prevent history from repeating; but e rules change everytime. All I want, is just that everyone be happy. I always try to, but there is bound to be one party that is neglected. To make things worse, I didnt realise what I neglected & I might be losing it forever. Maybe to some of my friends, they think whatever am doing is futile while some think that it still worth a try. I understand e individual viewpoints, but havent u guys thought that its my happiness? I love her & there is one thing which I never really mentioned much, she has always been my priority; I treat her as my family. Nevermind if any of u arent happy with my decision, but at least respect it? The yearly chalet with u guys have always been an occasion I always look forward to. Without fail, I would attend e 3 days, regardless of any activities, am game for it. To all your requests, have I ever say no to anything? So, now am just making a very simple request, and thats to just only spend alittle more time with her; is that asking too much? Seriously, I can just forgo e chalet & spend e time with her? And e thing is, I know that how important this gathering is to all of us & thats why there is a need for you guys to know beforehand. Cos she is important to me, & so are u guys.

Hai.. I dont know how to express myself well most of e time, though talking crap am e best in it. Lol, I sudden thought of e 1st time we had coffee at starbucks in orchard. Life it is as it is.

Hope things turn out well..

I just..

miss u alot.

What should I do?

Sometimes it gets too irrational till I keep constantly questioning myself what am I really thinking? Maybe some arent, or maybe am just thinking too much? I worry alot nowadays too, some of which I thought that I never had to worry at all. Well, perhaps I brought it upon myself cos I get complacent easily. If I were to ask for assurance, I scared that it will add on to e pressure & if I dont, I will worry unnecessarily. And e fact that, am not in a position to ask, its also very demoralising too. On top of this, exams coming in a few month, which I have to put more effort in it.

Suck in a deep breath & let it out.

To put it simply, nothing fazes me, except for e fear of losing u.

Dating again!

The past few days have been a rude awakening for me. I realised that most of what I did in my relationship was wrong, I totally mishandled it. Given e time, I could have spent more time with her, dedicate more attention to her, but I didnt. I thought that everything was going smoothly, but all along, she was just compromising. Seriously, I have always been happy with her, her smiles just brighten up my day, no matter how dull it was. The efforts that she put in & e difficult position I put her in, made me felt how awful a boyfriend I was to her, to e extent that I even felt sorry for myself. The way I express myself often get misunderstood or misled people, I wonder is it e perception I give to people? Sometimes I meant well, dont want to trouble others, but e messages often get across in a different way. But, I do appreciate e things u done, in fact, everything :)

Am trying hard to work things out. On e other hand, reminding myself not to rush into it. I know that e sense of urgency, do get in e way of getting things done. Perhaps, am just too anxious to get your acknowledgement.

Am glad that u at least forgive me & also give us a chance to make things work out again. Lol, I do enjoy e process of dating u again. Really.

& Hopefully, things will turn out fine.

Why?

I dont know what to say. Dont know what to do. I always thought that everything was fine, but it turned out to be a false blanket. Is it so hard to love someone? I always hear stories of how couples battle odds to get together, overcoming obstacles through e stages of their love life. And e so call morale of e stories? Love bearth it all. Lol, sure, only in e stories. Perhaps, I didnt try my best? But is it really e case? I also have my own share of misgivings which I brushed aside, thinking that no one is perfect.

If u ask me, whether have I been happy with u. I do, all e while. Never have I ever felt unhappy with u.

If u ask me, what is in e future?

I cant give u a definite answer.

All I can say is,

I love u.